My Girfriend Wishes I Were Edward Cullen
by Sailorprinzess
Summary: One-Shot A boyfriend explains why he is a better match for his girlfriend rather than Edward Cullen.


**Author's Note:** Please don't flame me for this. I am not putting down Twilight at all. I am just picking on the fact that girls swoon over Edward Cullen, and claim that he is the perfect guy. That's all fine and dandy, but don't neglect your living-breathing boyfriends! They need attention too!

This is a one-shot, meaning there are no other chapters. Also, this is not a real story. I'm just writing from the male POV. It's meant to be just funny little note from a disgruntled boyfriend.

**My Girlfriend Wishes I Were Edward Cullen**

Call me jealous. You can even throw things at me and threaten death a thousand times. I know how you fans are. You'll do anything to prove just how wrong I am. However before you put your fingers to work on your keyboards and break out spell check, please read my following dilemma.

I am but an ordinary guy. I bleed when wounded. I spout vulgarities whenever I lose an online Halo match. I also find an immeasurable joy in putting things together without reading the instructions. I play football in the mud, and I think about "it" at least fifteen times a day, which is a significant decrease from my pubescent teenage years. Everything about me is pretty normal, I'd say. The only problem is that I've been able to keep the attention of my girlfriend.

It used to come so easy to me. All I would have to do was look into her eyes and flash a big smile. That was all it took for her to want to be near me. She'd be at my side, giving me all over love and affection, which, I of course, returned. However now I barely exist to her. She'll only call me once or twice a week, and at school, she is rarely in the hallways, since she is usually in the library researching vampires. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss her daily blabbering and her complaints over life in general. I understand that she wants time to herself, but for some reason I feel as if I lost her.

And basically, I lost her to another guy.

If I could, I'd so tell the other guy to stay away from my girl. No…I wouldn't tell him, I'd command him. The only problem is that I am unable to do so for the mere fact that he is unattainable.

Actually, he is not even real.

Yes, my girlfriend has fallen for someone who does not even exist in our 3-d world.

In fact, he can only be found in the pages of books and on fan sites on the internet.

His name is Edward Cullen, fictional character and "da besssttt and hottttttest vampire eva."

Recently, much to my chagrin, she has stated, in a drunken stupor, I should add, "You know, I love you, but I wish you could be like Edward Cullen." Of course her words were slurred, but she still managed to give a coherent and complete thought. She really wanted me to be Edward Cullen. So this means that if the three of us were on the proverbial boat, and she had to toss one of us off the side in order to stay afloat, she'd definitely send me swimming with the sharks.

The only thing I could do was to read the books and study Edward Cullen. I wanted to learn more about him and find out why he has stolen my girlfriend away from me. I read and read, but could not come up with any reasons why he could possibly beat me at the race in garnering my girlfriend's affections. Actually, I found reasons to dislike him and not want him as a boyfriend.

Here is my list:

1. I don't sneak into my girlfriend's room to watch her sleep. As much as I want to be in her room during the night, I really don't want to witness drool seeping from her mouth and hear her snoring. As pretty and child-like she is while dreaming, I doubt it would be more interesting than catching my own Zzz's.

2. If we were to break up, I would not go into her room and destroy all of the pictures and things I had given her in our relationship. After all, I wouldn't want her doing the same by taking away the videogames and baseball hats she had bought me.

3. I would not force her to do anything she didn't want to do. If she doesn't want to go to a concert, I would not show up at her house, force her to get ready, and drag her against her will to the venue.

4. I would not tease her and then deny any sort of remuneration. That's like dangling a cookie in front of the Cookie Monster, telling him that he could have a bite and then changing your mind without giving him a single crumb.

5. I would not break up with her in the middle of the woods and abandon her. That sounds like a murder plot from some B-rate horror movie. Heck, I'd do it through text before I'd lead her blindly into the forest.

6. I am a warm-blooded animal. I could keep her warm whenever the circumstance called for it. I could even donate my blood to her.

7. We are the same age.

8. She doesn't have to worry about me killing her via sucking her blood.

9. Both of my sisters adore her.

10. I admit that I am pretty normal-looking, so girls as school are not fawning over me.

My list is tentative, since I am sure I will find other reasons why she should rather have me than Mr. Edward Cullen.

So I leave you with this, if there is any way to get my girlfriend back, please tell me. I can't say I'd do anything, since she would expect me to save her from cars and evil vampires, but I'd gladly go across the world for her.

HOWEVER if I am unable to have my girlfriend back to her state pre-Edward Cullen, then I guess I am not at such a big loss. After all, there is still her best friend, and she just so happens to be a Jacob lover.


End file.
